Let's open up

They say ‘the first time hurts’, but what’s it called when it hurts every time? Every time you try to use a tampon or go for a smear test. Or every time you meet someone new and have to tell them ‘I can’t have sex’. It’s called Vaginismus, and it’s time we talked about it.

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Vaginismus. It feels as bad as it sounds.

Medically speaking, Vaginismus is the involuntary contraction (upon a stimulus) of muscles in the vaginal canal. Human speaking, it means sometimes when we try to put something into our vaginas an alarm goes off in our brain and we tense up.

Vaginismus can make everything from tampon use to penetrative sex painful or even impossible. So those suffering often feel ashamed and stay silent. But sharing your story could help you to see that Vaginismus is just like any other health condition. What’s more, it’s one that doctors believe as many as 1 in 2 people with vaginas will experience.

Talking about Vaginismus could help you to relax and come to terms with having the condition. Plus, you may find out about help you didn’t even know was out there. So it’s time to open up.

OPEN UP TOYOUR PARTNER.

When you’re ready to open up, do so somewhere you feel comfortable. Choose a platonic place so that you don’t feel any pressure to try to have sex afterwards.
Talking about Vaginismus can be emotional, so treat it like any other medical condition. Ask your partner if they have heard of it. If they haven’t, explain it’s a common medical condition that can make it very hard to have penetrative sex.
Vaginismus can be hard to explain, so try using an analogy. Something like ‘if I pointed a finger towards your eye, you’d automatically blink to protect yourself. Something similar can happen to my body when I try to have sex.’
It’s OK to be frustrated if penetrative sex is difficult for you, so open up to your partner about this. It can help them to understand Vaginismus has nothing to do with sexual desire. Plus, it could bring you closer emotionally.
For some, opening up to a partner can help you relax and gradually make penetrative sex easier. If you feel like you want to try, you can slowly introduce gentle foreplay. But remember, there’s no rush – you’ve already taken a huge step forward.

NOT TONIGHT, DARLING. I HAVE A CONDITION WHERE MY VAGINA INVOLUNTARILY CLOSES UP.

OPEN UP TOYOUR DOCTOR.

If you think you might have Vaginismus, the first step is to make a GP appointment (you can request to speak to someone of the same gender). If the receptionist asks what the appointment is for, you’re allowed to say ‘a private health issue’.
At your appointment, tell your GP your symptoms and say outright that you suspect you have Vaginismus. This helps with how the GP will conduct any tests and influences the questions they’ll ask to formally diagnose you.
It can feel quite embarrassing to talk about your sex life or your vagina. So think about how you’d talk if this were something routine like a migraine. You’d probably say ‘I’ve had this problem for x months. It always happens when I do y. And it feels like z’.
Not every GP will know the ins and outs of Vaginismus. Ask to speak to a pelvic floor physiotherapist. It can also be valuable to bring your medical history so the doctor can rule out any physical injuries and get a more rounded picture of your health.
For some, getting a diagnosis from a GP can be difficult. So don’t be afraid to ask for a second opinion. Some people feel that a formal diagnosis is important, others benefit from advocating for themselves. Neither is the ‘wrong’ way to act.
If you know you have Vaginismus, opening up to your doctor can help when you go for smear tests or vaginal exams. This leaflet from The Vaginismus Network could help you prepare for either.

DOCTORS HAVE SEEN HUNDREDS OF BROKEN BONES AND MANY 'BROKEN' VAGINAS.

OPEN UP TOYOURSELF.

If something goes wrong with your vagina, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It can be hard to believe this, so once a day say out loud: ‘I am me, I have Vaginismus’. It may feel cheesy at first, but positive affirmations have proven psychological benefits.
Vaginismus is partly a psychological condition. And for too many, it is the result of physical or psychological trauma. If you feel ready to, opening up to a loved one, counsellor or a therapist about when your symptoms began can help to aid your recovery.
If you’re using dilators, think about how they make you feel. If using them makes you feel ashamed, try comparing them to more traditional physiotherapy. Call them your ‘crutches’; there to support you and nothing to be embarrassed about. And treat yourself to something non-clinical to store them in like this pouch from HANX. That way you can start to have more positive associations with dilation.
Having Vaginismus doesn’t mean you can’t have a successful relationship. But before you search for one, it’s important to reconcile your relationship with sex. Ask yourself honestly ‘am I ready?’. The answer can be ‘no’ for as long as you need it to be.

WHO ARE YOU IF YOUR VAGINA 'DOESN'T WORK'? STILL YOU.

OPEN UP TOYOUR DATE.

Dating when you have Vaginismus can feel like an already unlevel playing field is now upside down. But remember, dating is A: for fun + B: not just for sex. So build your confidence by dating with ‘no intention beyond dinner and a drink’ and get used to just talking and making intimate connections.
If you want to be physically intimate with your date, you do not need to tell them you have Vaginismus if you don’t want to. You can discuss your limits and what you consent to by simply saying ‘that’s all I’m ready for’.
If things become more serious, you can open up a little more if you choose to. Telling a new partner about Vaginismus can be intimidating and you might be worried that it’ll ‘put them off’. If the conversation doesn’t go the way you’d hoped, it is not your fault. This person is probably not emotionally mature enough for a relationship.

WHAT AM I INTO? IT'S MORE LIKE WHAT CAN'T GET INTO ME...

The hole isn’t the goal. Pleasure is.

Remember, penetrative sex isn’t the be-all-end-all definition of sex. Dr Sarah Welsh, gynaecology doctor and co-founder of HANX, says “having Vaginismus doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re unable to enjoy other types of sexual contact, and have enjoyable, fulfilling and exciting sexual experiences. Listen to your body and/or communicate with your partner to know what works for you and your body. It’s important to remember that this can change over time, too.”

HANX have made it their mission to redefine how we look at our relationship with sex. So whether you’re using dilators or just starting to explore what pleasure means to you, it could be time to embrace lubricant. It offers relief from soreness and irritation, and helps you feel more comfortable. Under Dr Welsh’s guidance, HANX have designed a lubricant that’s as gentle as possible – with no harsh spermicides, unnecessary chemicals or flavours. HANX lube is pH balanced to be as close to the real thing as possible. Plus, as it’s water-based, it’s safe to use with silicon toys and dilators - and anywhere on the body.

Sex shouldn’t hurt. Unless you’re into that.

Vaginismus is a common medical condition - so help is out there. If your GP suspects you have Vaginismus, they might refer you to a gynaecologist. Treatment may involve physiotherapy, psychiatry or both, which the specialist will guide you through.

Physiotherapy often involves dilators. The job of these isn’t to stretch the vagina, but to help retrain your vaginal muscles. Over time, you’ll gradually increase the size of dilator until your brain and vagina become more in sync.

Anecdotally, practising yoga and meditation can assist recovery. This is because the inward-focus on the breath replicates the breathing techniques physios recommend when using dilators.

People develop Vaginismus for many reasons, and opening up to your GP can help you to work out or address some of these. So when you’re ready, contact your GP or tap the link below for more advice.

Visit NHS inform

Let's open up

Vaginismus. It feels as bad as it sounds.

OPEN UP TOYOUR PARTNER.

NOT TONIGHT, DARLING. I HAVE A CONDITION WHERE MY VAGINA INVOLUNTARILY CLOSES UP.

NOT TONIGHT, DARLING. I HAVE A CONDITION WHERE MY VAGINA INVOLUNTARILY CLOSES UP.

OPEN UP TOYOUR DOCTOR.

DOCTORS HAVE SEEN HUNDREDS OF BROKEN BONES AND MANY 'BROKEN' VAGINAS.

DOCTORS HAVE SEEN HUNDREDS OF BROKEN BONES AND MANY 'BROKEN' VAGINAS.

OPEN UP TOYOURSELF.

WHO ARE YOU IF YOUR VAGINA 'DOESN'T WORK'? STILL YOU.

WHO ARE YOU IF YOUR VAGINA 'DOESN'T WORK'? STILL YOU.

OPEN UP TOYOUR DATE.

WHAT AM I INTO? IT'S MORE LIKE WHAT CAN'T GET INTO ME...

WHAT AM I INTO? IT'S MORE LIKE WHAT CAN'T GET INTO ME...

The hole isn’t the goal. Pleasure is.

Sex shouldn’t hurt. Unless you’re into that.

Open up to help

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